One thing that has fundamentally improved my relationships and happiness

If you have come to observe that people love simply to talk about themselves, and that you will be deemed a delightful conversationalist if you simply ask questions and listen, then you have discovered one of the great secrets of life. Or so I thought, when I discovered this many years ago as a teenager, and promptly devoted my time to asking people questions and nodding along. My teenage self was eager to please. And yet, while I was better than the person who only talks about themselves, in retrospect, I was not the strongest conversationalist--I wanted to be seen rather than be empathetic and kind--and I was an unhappy and bored conversationalist .

Slowly, as I grew up and had more and more to say, another dimension of frustration compounded this. People will talk your ear off with humble brags if you let them, but they don’t see or care about the evils of factory farming, the horrors of climate change, the fact that we are funding a famine in Yemen--they don’t care or see or want to talk about anything past the ends of their noses! I thought.

My misanthropy not only failed to charm, but it failed dismally at persuasion. Even if I didn’t care to be a good conversationalist anymore, if I was going to become an effective advocate for the causes I cared about, I had to change. My conclusion from reading books on communication and self-improvement and my own personal growth in the past year has yielded a surprisingly simple principle for me: you should put effort into genuinely liking people.

We often focus only on surface level “listening” skills, like eye contact, nodding, and making affirming sounds. We are taught tricks like phrasing or doing xyz to make a person feel liked, or make ourselves appear empathetic. But ultimately we are doing those things with the ulterior motive: to be liked by the other person and therefore validate ourselves, or wanting them to have our point of view. We wish to present ourselves as good listeners, rather than actually being good listeners. And the only thing that makes one truly come across as a good listener, is if you are genuinely interested in what the person has to say. And the easiest way to be genuinely interested in a person, is to like them, and we are more empathetic listeners to those that we like. Also, the principle of investing time into training ourselves to like and see the good in people extends benefits far beyond becoming a good conversationalist or persuader. Putting effort into liking people has made me happier in all my relationships, more thankful for those around me, made me less of a jealous person, and it has just felt incredibly freeing to let go of feelings of annoyance, frustration, or resentment towards others.

The attitude towards others that I am speaking of is one where you

-are genuinely appreciating and seeing the good in others. Admiring them genuinely.

-are genuinely curious in who they are, why they think the way they think, their history, etc., being genuinely invested in learning about them

-have unconditional understanding and empathy for anything a person might say or do

Now imagine if such a person came to you, who genuinely admired you, who wanted to learn about you, who empathized with even the worst parts of you, in other words, someone who came to us with so much love? How could you not like such a person? How could you not approach their opinions with the friendliest of mindsets?

And if it isn’t obvious by how many times I have said the word, the key word here is “genuine.” This is not to say that certain tips and phrases are not helpful, but if you focus on your attitude first, the actions will tend to fall into place. You will seem like an attentive and good listener, because you are genuinely curious. You will naturally ask the best questions, because you want to know. And the best part is, you will have a great time as well--the happy, excited feeling of talking with someone you like and admire: you can have that in a conversation with every person when you start liking every person. It seems obvious when you put it into words, but it took me so long to shift my focus from fitting a certain role (outgoing person, good listener, nice girl etc.) to simply sitting back and appreciating people, and having them bask in the warm glow of my appreciation.

But how do we do this? You may think people are often unlikable. How do we combat the feelings of annoyance, disappointment, or frustration that we feel towards others? Here are some mental habits that have helped me. Although they address attitude from the inside out, I will underline the parts that are more action-oriented that will help develop the attitude.

Mental habits that build an attitude of loving understanding towards others:

1. We must remind ourselves that we are all only products of either nature or nurture. And which one do we have control over? Neither. A fantastic book that inspired me on many of the ideas in this article, How to Win Friends and Influence People’s Dale Carnegie put it this way:“The only reason, for example, that you are not a rattlesnake is that your mother and father weren’t rattlesnakes.” We often don’t think of thinking negative thoughts about others as bad mouthing, but I believe the practice can be quite harmful even if you aren’t badmouthing out loud. When I start to feel negative feelings towards someone, I bring up another voice in my own head to defend them. How might they be seeing this issue? Why do they see it this way? And that voice is there to assume the best of a person, because often we attend to assume the opposite. In a fight, I assume that the other person wants to make up too, and I only have to be brave and show the first gesture--and I have always generally been right on this.

2. See the good in people. I make a mental note of one standout quality a person has, and one specific instance where I was really impressed with that quality. Whenever I’m annoyed with someone, I have this filed in my head as a go-to. It has also helped to incorporate daily gratitude into my routine (whether through morning meditation, or journaling at night), and appreciating the people in your life and their qualities.

3. See people as a puzzle. Every life experience is a wealth of knowledge, like a library that you can access with the right questions. I think we all have a natural fascination and wonder of others if we only take time to think about what they bring. Everyone can teach us something. Everyone has a story. Sometimes a person’s life story will be inspiring, and sometimes it will show us how we don’t want to live, but either way there is something to learn. We have only to ask the right questions and listen.

4. Get psyched about other people. In the time that I anticipate spending time with someone (making plans with them, waiting for them at the restaurant, etc.), I go back to qualities and moments from b) on this list, and I get excited about meeting them. How lucky I am to know them! How happy I am that I get to spend this time with them. How wonderful they are. When I meet them, I cherish that time spent together all the more because I am already excited about the person. It is amazing how much simply thinking good thoughts about a person will change the quality of time I spend with them.

5. When I am talking to someone one on one, I frequently repeat this in my head: “you are important to me.” The person in front of me is important to me, and I will give them my full and rapt attention. Their concerns, what they say, and they, are of the utmost important to me. When I am talking to someone, I am not thinking of what I’m eating for dinner, or worried if my hair is out of place--my full attention is on the person. I am absolutely never on a device while talking to someone. I either stop what I’m doing, or I politely tell the other person I am trying to get work done or that I’m busy and cannot give them the full attention they deserve.

These mental habits take energy and time. They require you to be a very loving person. And as I have put these habits into practice when I interact with others, I have made the choice to prioritize quality over quantity of time spent with others. What I mean is, to be my best and most loving self towards others, I had to draw clear boundaries for when I made myself available to others, because I consciously invest positive energy in all of my interactions. I can be my judgemental, grumpy self very easily, because it is our human default to see things only from our perspective and assume badly of others, but I want to always be my best self, and approach others with intention, love, and understanding. The system has actually worked as a very good balance mechanism regarding toxic people, because with the people I can be my best self with, I can spend long amounts of time with, but the people that wear out my good intentions quickly, I spend less time with. If I feel myself getting annoyed by a person, I make sure to understand that it is not a reflection of their or my value, simply a reflection of our compatibility, and I quietly distance myself.

In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that when you approach others with admiration and appreciation, they will sense it, and in turn feel positively about you and themselves, your relationship, and what you have to say. You will change their minds, because through observation and admiration you will be able to speak to what you have in common, and it will no longer be “this is my opinion and you must share it because I am right,” but rather “I admire this about you, and I too share those values, and we are really not that much different after all.” As applied to veganism, most people are against animal cruelty. They mean no harm to animals, and they have been socialized to hold a speciesist worldview. I come to them with empathy for how they (and previously I, before someone showed me) have been taught to think about animals. I approach them with the thought that they, as an individual, are important to me, I seek out their good qualities and our shared values, and I have been far more successful with my veganism, happier with my relationships, and excited about the people around me.

You may also not be universally liked, but by then it won’t matter. Weirdly I have found that although I get happiness out of being liked, I also gain so much happiness out of liking. I admire, I appreciate, I see what others often miss, I am often in awe of others, and I am happy to see them thrive. And I am so appreciative of the people that do like me, that it is no longer an issue to be disliked by a few others.

Finally, I see this weird culture of waiting to text back, of playing hard to get, when I believe that if anything we should be over-expressing our enthusiasm for people. People absorb positivity at slower rates than negativity. All of us are delicate flowers--we need lots of sunshine. Why not be that sunshine for someone? And I’m sure you will find, it is quite a warm and lovely feeling to feel like the sun.