Thinking you're pretty when society doesn't think so

I am in this weird limbo right now in my journey to confidence. I understand that society doesn't find me pretty, that I don't fit conventional beauty standards, but I've been able to shake off the grip of societal beauty standards enough, where I have come to still view myself as pretty. There was a tiktok I was watching that talked about how there is no point to thinking we are not pretty--all it does is help rich old white men with their beauty products profit off of our insecurity. So I look in the mirror, and I see myself as pretty. It is not so much convincing myself, as it is unlearning external beauty standards. As the video said, there is no point to seeing myself as ugly, and there is every upside to finding myself pretty, so I might as well think that way.

The only time I feel myself being shaken, is when I have to film myself. Because I can tell when I film myself, I shift my camera around, trying to get the perfect angle that will make me look more conventionally pretty. When I am in front of the camera, I am again worried about fitting conventional beauty standards, because that is what other people hold in their minds. And acting in that way again lowers my own progress towards seeing myself as pretty, because I am again reminded that that is not how the world sees me, even though the world's opinion is of little relevance on the measure of something as subjective as prettiness.

Not filming myself for content I will present to others is how I am empowering myself right now, so I can fully separate myself from any actions of trying to maintain conventional beauty. I have felt myself turn more towards text-based content like this blog, and even re-activating my tumblr rather than youtube and tiktok. But hopefully someday I can be secure enough in my confidence to be able to film myself without caring at all how I look, and how I will be perceived.